You read a profile that says, “There is always room for another guest at my Shabbat table.” You could reply, “Hi, how are you?” You could also ask, “Who was the most unexpected guest you have ever hosted?” The second message gives this particular person somewhere to begin. It shows that you noticed something, without demanding a deeply personal answer.
A good opening does not need to be impressive. It needs to make the next honest response a little easier. That is a useful aim whether an introduction comes through an app, a friend or a shadchan.
What questions can do
In a 2017 paper, Harvard researchers Karen Huang and colleagues studied conversations through experiments and observational speed-dating data. Asking questions, especially follow-up questions, was associated with greater liking and perceived responsiveness: the sense that another person is listening and understanding. The research concerns first interactions; it does not establish that a question formula produces a lasting marriage. Read the original paper.
The useful distinction is between collecting answers and responding to them. If someone mentions teaching a younger sibling to cook, moving immediately to “What do you do for work?” changes the subject. “What did you make together?” stays with the experience they chose to share. Neither response is forbidden; the second simply leaves more room for their story.
Leave room for both people
Questions alone can feel like an interview. Susan Sprecher and colleagues tested reciprocal self-disclosure in a 2013 experiment. People who alternated sharing reported more positive interpersonal outcomes than those who spent an initial period only speaking or only listening. This was a laboratory study of getting acquainted, not evidence for any particular app milestone. Read the study.
A practical rhythm is to notice, ask, respond and contribute. “What did you make together?” might be followed by: “That sounds fun. My brother and I once managed to burn a salad topping.” You are offering the other person something to respond to, rather than leaving them responsible for the whole exchange.
Three openings worth adapting
- A small routine: “You mentioned walking before work. Is that quiet time, or when you catch up with people?”
- A Jewish-life detail: “What makes a Shabbat meal feel like home to you?”
- An unexpected interest: “How did you end up learning that?”
These are invitations, not a script to copy into every conversation. Choose one connected to what the person actually wrote. A playful answer can stay playful. Not every message has to reveal a life lesson, and a short answer is not automatically a sign of poor character or lack of seriousness.
Curiosity needs boundaries
Starting gently does not mean postponing an essential incompatibility. If where to live or what kind of religious home to build matters deeply to you, discuss it respectfully. Personal trauma, medical information and details of a divorce do not belong in a compulsory opening exercise. Someone can be serious about marriage and still choose when to discuss a private subject.
After a conversation, ask yourself: Did we both have room? Did I learn something concrete? Did disagreement remain respectful? Those questions are more useful than counting how many clever lines either person produced.
Zvoog's conversation-first approach is intended to make these small exchanges easier. That is a product idea to evaluate with real members, not proof of better marriage outcomes. A progress indicator can show participation; it cannot tell you whether another person is trustworthy or right for you.
Common questions
Does every message need a question?
No. A relevant answer, a little humor or an acknowledgment can move a conversation forward. Constant questioning can leave the other person feeling examined.
What if the other person does not reply?
Give them space. Silence does not create an obligation to respond, and repeated messages do not establish mutual interest. A good conversation requires willing participation on both sides.